The First Day of Preschool & Emotional

The alarm went off. It was 6:45am. Hubby needs us to drive him to work today because his car is a piece of.....its older and needs some more fixing after we just finished fixing it. groan. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling trying to get my non morning liking self out of bed so i can wake the children and get them dressed. I wait until Sean gets out of the shower before moving, wishing i was still sleeping, once again regretting my decision to watch just *one more* hour long show before turning in the evening before. 

And up i go, Little Man doesn't like that i wake him but is excited for today. shirt, pants, left foot..no the left foot, now right. Brush teeth, have some orange juice, change Bre, giggle and laugh. ready? 

Off we all go, some dunkin dounts for breakfast, (yeah i know i don't get "the Mother of the Year" award, for that, and i am over it.) We chit chat and listen to the radio, luckily no traffic. Drop off zone for Daddy. kisses hugs, more giggles. "Bye! Have a good day!" and he disappears into his office. 

We cruise down 75 back towards home. I think to myself, is this really happening? My son is going to school....school. Wow. I breath and continue through the traffic towards what was known as preschool when i grew up and is now known as vpk? Maybe it's just a florida thing. I don't know. My thoughts trying to distract myself from my realization that i have to start letting go today.  

It's been a trying week emotionally, as this day approached. Ask me a month ago and i would tell you how excited i was to have some peace and quiet in the house and that i was looking forward to him getting to of the house to learn and grow with other kids, and i could spend some quality time with my daghter. Today though, i have a pit in the bottom of my stomach.

D lost his first tooth less than a week ago. It sent my mind into an emotional uproar. Wait-don't grow up yet! I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready. The truth is though, he is very ready. Eager even, to grow up.  

As we drive along, i see the gears turning in his head as he thinks of the things ahead of him. He can't wait to play with play dough, and tells me of all the colors the school shelves hold.  

We pull up and i take a deep breath and cheerily get out out and take his hand while making sure i have the paperwork that they gave me to do and Bre on my hip, in we go. As we are 5 mins late, a good 3/4 of the class are already in and playing. Luckily i'm not the only late one. Derek sits at the playdough and gets pulled away to go wash his hands first. Strike one. He comes back to play and Mrs. H lets him know, no play dough right now. strike two. I take a quick picture with my phone and give him a kiss and hug and say, "i'll see you in a little bit." Strike three. Tears start in his eyes as he asks me if i am staying, although he knows the answer before i say it. With confirmation that i am indeed leaving, he heads to the door and walks out. I don't want to stay here! he declares. My heart strings are being pulled on. I explain to him that it's like when we go to the gym and i'll be back ina little bit to get him. He latches onto my leg, and i give hima comforting smile as best i can while wrestling with Bre. Mrs. N grabs his hand and gives me the go ahead glance, and i see his face crumple as he now realizes, he has no say. 

Lingering outside the door i see tears well up in his eyes and spill down his cheeks. The pit in my stomach is making me nauseous. I want to comfort him, and i can't. I want to run in there and hold him and be with him and assure him everything is going to be fine...He rubs the tears away and searches for comfort. He finds Mrs.N's hand again and has her guide him to where the friends he made yesterday at orientation are. He seems ok, but i can see the struggle going on inside of him as he looks around for familiarity and not finding it. I see the red and tears have subsided from him, and i leave.  

I get to the light  and can feel it happening. The tears are building and they forcefully pour down my face. I told myself not to cry damnit. My heart didn't listen again. I can almost feel the distance between us growing and my heart is heavy.

Part of me is just laughing at the other half. All i can think is, Really? its 3 hours, not a week. Suck it up buttercup...but who knew it would be this hard?! Not me, that's for sure, and my reaction has surprised myself.

This reaction to preschool, caught me off guard, and i feel like a part of me is missing in this now quiet house as my daughter is napping.  I know i should clean and do all the things i bitch about not getting done all the time...but right now, i think i need a drink. Ya know, the milk and cookies comfort kind of drink...but we are all out of cookies, so i guess chocolate milk it is. my baby is growing up. I can't stop it, and don't really want to, but i do. I'm not ready for the official growing up thing to start, and yet it has....right from under my feet. I hear it will get easier, and i know it will, but that first drop off...that my friends is a kick in the gut!